All The Best Stupid

This website pretty much distills my twisted sense of humor into an easy visual tutorial. I can't decide what I like best. The bacon wallet, the dog pooh calendar, or the guide to traumatizing your children. Or maybe it's the little animated links to each of the products. Good times!

May I "Lance" That Boil For You?

Steve is a huge fan of Lance Armstrong. And rightly so. The man not only won seven Tour de France titles, but did it after winning a battle with testicular cancer that his doctors pretty much assumed he had already lost. I admire Lance Armstrong too, but not enough to name one of our children after him; which is what Steve wanted to do.

Why did I object so to naming our second-born "Lance"? For one thing, all the words that rhyme with Lance are bad. To whit: dance, pants, prance, romance (OK that one's not so bad). All words that remind me of that poem that some wag feels the need to leave on bathroom walls:

No matter how do jump and dance,
That one last drop stays in your pants.

Then there are the definitions for the word lance. Verbs: to spear, to stab, to open with a stabbing tool. Nouns: a spear, a stabbing device, a tube with a nozzle for cleaning furnace walls, a whale-killing implement. None of the mental images that go with these definitions are ones that I want to associate with one of my children. The deal breaker with this name? If I was to do a word association test with "lance", my first response would be "boil". As in "I'm sorry sir, that pustulant boil on your ass will need to be lanced in order to relieve the pressure." Enough said.

Life Hack

My husband is so sweet. I, on the other hand, am a total control freak. See, here's the thing. I USED to leave huge piles of laundry on the sofa after dragging the clothes, fresh out of the dryer to fold them there. My new tactic to force myself to put the laundry away? I fold the laundry on top of the washer. The theory goes, I can't put another load in until all of the clothes on top of the wash are put away. Poor Steve came into the laundry room to help this weekend and when he started to pull the load out to drag it to the sofa, I explained that the laundry was now folded standing up! Not in front of the hockey game on TV. When he kept plopping shirts in any old place on the washer, I repeatedly pointed out which pile was the correct one. Finally, he picked up a pile of freshly folded laundry and announced that he would put it away for me. Despite there being more piles that needed putting away, he never came back. I wonder why?

Word Lust

I love words, and not just a little bit. I love words so much, I have entire books devoted to the subject of words. No, in fact they aren't dictionaries smart one! Here are a few of my favorites:

Unctuous - it tastes gooey and delicious in your mouth when you say it.
Twee - just say it.
Pedantic - it means showy and overblown, but says "erudite".
Onus
Nefarious - this always makes me think of Feathers McGraw from The Wrong Trowsers.
Prurient - sounds so seedy.
Smattering
and finally
Smarmy - (see unctuous).

What are some of your favorites?

Here's Foam in Your Ear

The last two weeks can only be called "interesting" on the family medical front. It started last Wednesday when Luke woke up sneezing. And sneezing, and sneezing, and sneezing and SNEEZING. Now, if you have a corgi, you well know that for a dog with legs this short and a head this big, sneezing on a hardwood floor can be downright painful for them. After the third or fourth time his poor snout went THWAP against the floor, I was ready for the achoos to stop. When a fine mist of blood covered the toe of my Converse knockoffs I knew if was time for a call to the vet.

Off we went for his appointment at 1:45. Of course by then the sneezing has largely subsided. Dog noses being constructed as they are, and dogs not being very good at staying still, the vet informed me that Luke needed sedation. They needed to scope his nose and flush it out with saline solution because he likely had a foxtail lodged in there. She also suggested that I could save some money and unnecessary risk by having him neutered at the same time. They never did find any foxtail, but that didn't stop them from handing me a $350 invoice when later I picked up my still-sneezing and freshly manscaped dog.

Flash forward to Monday when Garrett clutched at his recently repaired front tooth (he chipped it back in April) in pain after taking a sip of cold water. After giving the teeth the requisite couple of days to change their mind about costing me a bunch more money, I finally called the dentist He recommended that I bring Garrett in so he could evaluate the need for a root canal (gulp). Turns out all the dentist did was to grind the tooth down a little so Garrett couldn't grit it against the lower one while he sleeps. That's right people. My son is a tooth grinder.

Was my day over? Oh hell no.

At 2:2o the phone rang. Some whiff of maternal instinct told me before I even looked at the caller id that I didn't want to get this phone call. On the line was Garrett's school nurse calling to tell me that Garrett had a piece of playground foam lodged in his ear. Let's just all pause a moment and consider that for a moment. How does safety foam from the playground floor get in a kid's ear? Answer: his friend put it there. And yes, removing it required yet another doctor's appointment. Unlike the elusive foxtail, the doctor actually did pull a chunk of foam from Garrett ear. Tomorrow, I plan to wrap my entire family in bubble wrap before sending them out the door.

An Open Letter to Double Parkers

Dear Lady Who Could Use a Little More Exercise But Instead Double Parks and Lets Her Kids Out In The Middle of the Street -

Could we talk? Here's the thing. We all have things we need to hurry up and do in the morning. We all run a little late occasionally. I get that. But tell me, what gives you the right to block traffic for a full block while your kid rummages around for his Science Fair poster, you all the while simultaneously guzzling a Starbucks, carrying on a conversation on your cell phone, and bitching out your small son in the car seat? Your sweat pants reveal the undeniable. You could use the little bit of exercise that would come with parking a block away, and walking your child to his classroom. And who knows, maybe you could even hang up your phone while you did it. And another thing. Why not stop at Starbucks AFTER you drop your kid off. Finally, when you do double park, can you please look before pulling out to see if somebody finally got sick of waiting for your kid to get out (or get in, as the case often is) and is trying to pass you in the sliver of left-over roadway that your giant SUV left behind? Thanks!

- IFO

How to Fill the Summer Void?

Summer is once again upon me, and I have no plans for my kids. We are taking a few quick trips; three nights at San Jose Family Camp, and a trip down to San Diego to visit my family. Other than that, ten weeks of inkless days on my calendar stretch out ahead of us, waiting to be filled. The challenge of course is to balance my work days, limit the amount of time the boys spend at the computer, not spend too much money, and find ways to be entertained. The thought of spending the summer this way fills my head with a dull buzzy feeling, much like a fly caught in a glass jar. There is this crazy part of me that wants to seize this opportunity and just take off somewhere. Projects are wrapping up at Steve's work leaving him with more flexibility to take time off, I have little to no sense of commitment to or from my employers, and the boys are free and clear until August. This may not happen again for years. How do we best take advantage of this rare freedom though? With two dogs and a cat, we aren't exactly unencumbered. Maybe this is why people do the unthinkable, and rent a mobile home. The thought of the four of us cooped up in a rolling home with two dogs and a cat, paying $4 a gallon for gas turns that lazy fly into an angry wasp. Maybe I'll just invest in a summer membership to Great America!

Growing a Spine Damnit!

A good friend and I were talking recently about letting bad behaviors slide for too long and letting kids get away with stuff. I had a little epiphany this weekend as I watched myself, once again, fall all over myself to make sure nothing was an inconvenience to Weston. Whatever he asks me to do, I do with a smile. Make his meals, run forgotten items to school during my work day, do his laundry, drive him to the mall, give him more spending money that I require for myself for snacks, clothes, etc. If I was somebody else, I'd give myself NO respect for this behavior. In return he leaves jobs undone or done sloppily around the house, rarely thanks anyone for favors, and gets on my case for not taking care of things that should be his responsibility. Charming, right? He'll make somebody a lovely husband some day at this rate. So tonight he came into the house, asking what was for dinner, and rummaging around for snacks to spoil his appetite. I told him if he wanted me to get dinner right then and there he needed to help me clean the kitchen, so he turned on his heel and said, "No thanks, I'll wait.", and headed off to skate. That's when I told him that if he didn't clean the entire kitchen, then and there, not only would I not make dinner for him AT ALL, but that he'd be grounded. For a week. So my kitchen is clean now and I just realized that I have this strange bumpy thing that runs down the middle of my back.

Congratulations!

It cannot go without comment that three of my favorite bloggers, Heather Armstrong, Alice Bradley, and the now not-so-nameless Laid Off Dad, have gotten together with a few other folks to produce this new book. So congratulations all of you, and thanks Heather for recognizing just how great these people are and including their writing.

It has been a strange, Through the Looking Glass kind of day on the Blogosphere with finslippy announcing her miscarriage, and Laid Off Dad telling us he and his wife are divorcing. I was taken aback by both revelations because the lyrical and sometimes very personal descriptions of family life that both blogs (and dooce.com also) provide sometimes mimics a close friendship. Though it's not face-to-face, I interact with them on an almost daily basis, and on a pretty personal level. I guess along with congratulations, that makes me want to send along a "hang in there." So.... hang in there.

My Last Lecture

I just finished reading Randy Pauch's The Last Lecture. I my opinion, this is 2008's The Life of Pi or The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night. I got to thinking, what pearls of wisdom might my kids pass on that they have learned from me? The following is my crack at a list:

1. You can never be kind and polite to too many people. Even if you don't like somebody or if they are mean to you, simply remaining kind and polite in all your interactions will mitigate all sorts of problems.
2. Get the stuff that makes up your daily work load done first. With no work to worry about you'll enjoy the rest of your day so much more.
3. You can learn something from everyone. No matter how young, how inexperienced, or uneducated, everyone has a different perspective from yours. Listen and watch, and you'll probably figure out something you didn't know before.
4. Family should always be your number one priority. Your friends come and go, often as a function of how convenient it is to interact with them on a frequent basis. If you are lucky, your family was with you when you were born, and will be with you at the end of your life.
5. Never value objects over people. If something gets wrecked or lost, you can almost always replace or fix it. Getting angry at someone for accidentally damaging or losing something can never be undone. Your finest moments are when you rise above worrying about objects and realize value of the people in your life.
6. Take time to stop and do what you love. At the end of your life, chances are pretty good you won't wish you had spent more time at work, doing laundry, or doing your taxes.
7. Dogs and children can be very frustrating. Try very very hard to not fly off the handle at them because the guilt that follows those kinds of acts will eat you alive.
8. Don't stand aside and let someone bully or tease and friend or family member. Meanness should be faced off and dealt with.
9. Don't play practical jokes on people or poke fun at people and then make them feel badly for not taking it well. You are being a jerk. Stop, apologize, and don't do it again.
10. And speaking of apologies, keep them sincere, never make excuses for your self, own your screw up, and.... don't do it again.
11. Be considerate of the people you live with. Just because they are family doesn't mean you should treat them with less consideration than the people you work or go to school with. If you wouldn't do it to your co-workers or fellow students or even a stranger, think hard about if you should do it at home.
12. How you perceive other people reveals flaws about your personality. If you don't trust people, perhaps you need to become more trustworthy yourself. If you walk a mile out of your way to become offended by the smallest things, perhaps you are thinking offensive things about other people. Examine your responses to people and consider that maybe what bugs you most is that characteristic you most need to work on in yourself.
13. Be honest when it's truly important to do so. You never know when your integrity may be all you have to fall back on.

Funny, this was really easy. Once I started, the ideas just kept coming. Cheers and deepest respect and admiration to Randy Pausch with fervent hope that he gets the miracle that he so deserves.

How to Be a Hero

At 12, Weston is allowed more freedom to roam, as long as he's no more than a cell phone call away. Last weekend he used that freedom to ride to 7-11 with the three boys that live across the street (12-year-old identical twins, and their very jaded 15-year-old brother). About half an hour after they left, I got a call from Weston. "Mom. We found a bird that fell out of it's nest. I think it's a mockingbird." I explained that it would be best for the chick if they just left it, and that the parents were probably nearby, feeding it. After doing my best to explain nestling/parent interactions, and with his impatient friends champing at the bit to leave, it became apparent that the bird was coming home with him in his baseball hat.

At home, all of the boys crowded around the box to which they had transferred the tiny bird. Shouldering my way in, I laughed in relief! A killdeer! This would be easy to reunite with it's parents. They had only managed to find it because it was hiding amongst some vinca, where it must have had only minimal camouflage. I packed four boys and a baby killdeer back in my car, and as we headed back to the church where they found the bird, they indignantly related that the minister had told them to leave it behind, that if the bird died, it was "Nature's way".

No parents could be heard or seen around where they found the baby, so undaunted, we headed a few hundred yards away to Ross Creek, a channelized stream with gravel levees. Sure enough, the anxious parents (and if you know killdeer, you know they do anxious really well) were there, flying in circles and calling. We set the box down, backed off and waited for the parents to get a bead on the location of their chick. After about 20 minutes, the trio was reunited. Who would have thought that something as small as a killdeer chick could get four gangling, world weary teens high-fiving and feeling like heroes?

The Job Hunt

If it rains, apparently it does indeed pour. This time last month I was desperate for work. Any work. Certain I would never hang out my shingle as a biologist again, I was willing to consider becoming an administrative assistant again, just so I could feel like I was contributing to our finances, rather than being nothing but a drain. Now things have picked up (albeit only a little) at my current job, and the work spigot seems to be cranked to the open position. Spring is a great time to imitate the local flora a fauna and get busy being prolific!

Things on My To-do List This Week

- Call Dr. Contini about heart palpitations (for Weston, who is 12). Thankfully they went away.
- Fire Garrett's pyschologist (No. Leaving his cookies at home next time is NOT an appropriate solution when my son has tackled and dog-piled the kid that stole them.)
- Pick up dog pooh in the back yard (Yes, two dogs DO generate twice as much!)
- Make an appointment to have my moles looked at (Every six months. Melanoma or not!)
- Call consulting firm to grovel for a job (Ugh! I hate being underemployed!)
- Call Weston's school to figure out why he's getting an F in Social Studies (maybe fix the palpitations while I'm at it?)
- Clean hardwood floor in kitchen (Two dogs means twice as many lick marks)

Ten things you may not have known about me....

1) I have a morbid sense of curiosity. If I could read about forensic anthropology every day, I would be very happy.
2) I have named two hockey teams. Seven in Dog Beers. Pucker Up.
3) I am terrified of bees.
4) I secretly admire Dr. Laura.
5) When I get REALLY mad, I cry.
6) I hate to cry.
7) I am lazy. Very very very lazy.
8) I have a green belt in kung fu.
9) I can parallel park in the teensiest space.
10) I can back up a trailer without jackknifing it.

Pulling Bo's Leg

The first night we had Luke I lay awake in a total crisis, asking myself just what the hell I thought I was doing getting another puppy. Bo was a total nightmare at this age and continues to be a large pain. Last night Luke was very sleepy and wanted a place to snuggle, so I picked him up and he just fell asleep on his back snuggled in my arms. Totally justified the purchase. He and Bo are starting to play together now, which is hilarious. He goes up to Bo and starts gnawing on one of his hind legs or hanging off of his fur by his teeth. Bo lifts the abused foot up as high as he can and puts up with it all very patiently. Finally Bo gets to a point where he had it, and roofs at Luke smushes him to the ground with his front legs.

How to Tape (or Brace) Puppy Ears

Our new corgi puppy, Luke, has one ear with a crease in it. His ears are not up yet, so this one flops back a bit, rather than over the front. To correct this, the breeder's vet recommended that we use Breathe-Right (TM) strips. I tried this, but one good shake of his head sent the strips flying. I have modified this method and it seems to be working really well. Luke is almost 7 weeks old. This method may not work as well with an older puppy or one with ears that have thicker skin or really dense, heavy fur. I used a generic drugstore brand of the nose strips and the thin tape that you use to attach gauze to a wound. Don't use the heavy, super-sticky stuff. This will weight the ear down too much, causing it to sag down, and will pull off fur more when the tape is removed. Pull one nose strip off and place it over another so that you have a single strip of double thickness. Trim the strips down so that they fit inside the ear as pictured above, but don't go down into the ear canal and irritate the ear. Place the strip INSIDE the ear. Pull of two strips of tape that are about 4 inches long. Wrap them around the ear, front and back taking care not to bend or distort the ear, and to secure the nose-strip. Leave the ear braces in place for a week, but replace them if the ears appear to be set oddly or the tape becomes tattered or is falling off excessively. If the ears are still not corrected inside a week, contact your vet, groomer, or breeder for some help. The puppy will be irritated with the tape initially, so distract him with some play time or a good chew toy. Luke got used to them in about a half hour. Happy taping.

Edited to add: Because the floppy ear was not standing up enough, I used a couple of inches of tape to attach it front and back to the other ear. I left about 2.5 inches of space between the two ears. This forces both ears to stand up a bit more. After just one day, both ears are now consistently up. This has not corrected the crease however.

Luke

Meet Luke. He is our brand new Pembroke corgi puppy. We got him this Saturday from a breeder in Fair Oaks. He is one of a litter of five puppies (one female and four males). Because we are so unoriginal, we once again kept the name that the breeder had given our puppy. Bo was also named by the breeder, but now we have our own little Dukes of Hazzard!

We originally thought we'd go with a female, but female corgis tend to be the alpha dogs, with males being more laid back. This was certainly the case with this litter. Luke's loan sister, Leia (yes they were all named for Star Wars characters) was a little pistol. We didn't think Bo and Kasey would deal with that well, so instead we picked the quietest pup in the group.

Bo has taken this pup in stride quite well, but Kasey is totally miserable. Poor cat spends all day on my bed in the back of the house. She comes out to eat, and if she happens to encounter the little guy her eyes get as big as saucers and she growls and hisses at him. Bo has been around other dogs so little, his only problem with the pup is interpreting puppy play signals. When Luke paw slaps and yaps at him he jumps like he's been stung. When he tries to get playful with Luke he yaps and bounces so fiercely that he sends the poor baby yelping and scooting for cover in terror.

He is a total handful when he is awake, so thankfully he sleeps something like 20 hours a day. I've been getting up once a night to take him out for a pee which I don't mind. The only problem is, it takes me at least an hour to get back to sleep. Then I have to get up early to make sure he's gotten out to pee again and have something to eat. Three days after getting him and I'm already staggering around in a stupor, hair unwashed and laundry undone, like a new mom. It's all worth it though!

Circular

Garrett's new favorite word: circular. It's amazing how many times he can make that word come up in a sentence.

Merry Microbial Christmas

My husband gave me a cold and mange for Christmas..... and I love them!

Thank Jesus for Cheese

The following is Garrett's list of items he is thankful for:

chickens (I mean, who ISN'T grateful for chickens for gosh sakes.)
Texas (Because Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob Squarepants is from Texas. Duh!)
Jesus (This despite that fact that we, as a family, are totally atheist.)
science (Can I hear a Hallelujah on that one!!!????)
cows (Apparently he feels very blessed for barnyard animals this season. Surprisingly though, the turkey did not make the list.)
trees
family (awwww)
Canada (wtf????)
Kailey (his best buddy)
Alan (his other best buddy)
and last but not least......
cheese.