Monday, December 01, 2008

The Lone Vagina (aka The PMS Post)

No, this is not a post about a masked hoochie that rides around the Old West on a white horse named Silver with her trusty side kick Tonto. Instead it is meant to give those women blessed with daughters, living in a lesbian relationship, or otherwise fortunate enough to share their domicile with an estrogen producing being, what it is like to be a lone woman living in a house with all males. It means:

Knowing there is always a puddle of urine somewhere in the vicinity of one of your toilets.

Never being deprived of cleaning up that dish left next to the recliner or sofa.

Not being at all surprised to find three weeks worth of snack wrappers scattered around the computer.

Sighing in resignation as you discover that picking those wrappers up has resulted in the computer keyboard becoming filled with crumbs.

Finding identical piles of snack wrappers around the television and next to the video game console.

Walking by a sock deserted in the hallway and knowing without a shred of doubt that it will stay there until you, yourself bend over and pick it up.

Explaining multiple times that, on the floor and in the laundry basket are not the same place.

The amount of effort required to collect 6 loads of laundry, wash, dry, fold, and place them back in the appropriate drawer apparently requires less energetic outlay than dropping dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

Two sauce pans, a sieve, a measuring cup, a bowl and a spoon are necessary to make and enjoy a simple meal of dehydrated soup mix.

Surviving in a living space in which you are outnumbered by males requires infinite patients, a good sense of humor, and a keen intuition about when to just shut up and deal. All of those talents will leave you when you are deep in the throes of PMS. At that point, the prudent owner of an X and Y chromosome will quietly tip toe around the house giving you lots of extra space. My final observation? There is no such thing as a prudent owner of an X and Y chromosome.

(Steve, Weston and Garrett - I love you guys. And Steve? Thanks for doing the dishes this morning!)


Steve said...

There are clothes on the floor? Where? ;-)

I love you too and vow to summon as much prudence as my X and Y chromosomes will allow. As for that soup thing, you really need to view it from an engineer's perspective. I was just trying to improve the noodle-to-broth ratio. I discovered during my second attempt that a reasonably close approximation could be achieved simply by putting less water in the pot to begin with. See? Just as Aragorn said, "There is always hope."

I For One..... said...

All is forgiven Steve. Oh and in unrelated news, I ate the rest of your chocolate!

Hilary said...

I think your "infinite patients" was an apt freudian slip what with "man colds", road burns and random sibling thumpings.

Actually we should consider ourselves lucky. Imagine if you had a junior version of yourself in the house PMS'ing at the same time.

I For One..... said...

Steve and I just survived the same cold and (sorry Steve) his was most definitely the man version of the bug. For those of you not familiar with the term "man cold", follow this link:

Steve said...

I'm not trying to make excuses here but I'm beginning to believe I have a sinus infection and not a cold. Put that in your "man cold" pipe and smoke it.

I For One..... said...

I will beat my dear mother to the punch and suggest nasal lavage. Flush your sinuses with a solution of warm water, salt, and (some suggest) baking soda using one of those snot sucking devices we employed on our children when they were infants. Might prevent you from having to go on antibiotics.

Anonymous said...

The actual formula is 1/2 teaspoon salt,1/2 teaspoon baking soda and 1 teaspoon white caro syrup (or 1 tsp. white suger) in one pint of warm water. Use an ear syringe not a snot remover!! Hope you're better Steve.

I For One..... said...

Yes, one should use an ear syringe, also known as (ahem)a nasal aspirator.

I For One..... said...

.... or snot sucker!!